Today is November 1st. My baby boy will be One in just 14 days. On Dec. 6th I am leaving and flying to Togo West Africa. Alone. Probably. But definitely without my baby boy or any of my boys. In 17 days I will take a Yellow Fever shot. He has to be weaned by then. Occasionally I have waves of complete Panic. I don't know any other word to describe it. It is not the same as regret. I am thrilled for so many reasons to be making this trip. I truly feel that the Holy Spirit placed it on my heart to go and feel so blessed to have the means and the support from Chad, family and friends that make it possible. But every now and then I Panic. You see my original plan was to take him with me. But as time went on and we found out more details we decided that this was not the best option. I don't remeber ever consciously deciding that he was not going. But one day we went to the post office to apply for a passport and we did not apply for one for him. And that was it.
It's hard for me to explain this internal conflict but it's sort of similar to pregnancy and childbirth, something I've had a lot of experience with in the last few years! (: You are so excited about this new baby and can't wait to meet them and then one day you realize, I have to get this kid out. And you Panic. At least I always did, at the end. You know that it will be beautiful and wonderful and one of the greatest experiences of your life but there is also the pain, the waiting,and so many unknowns. And you have no regrets and you wouldn't change a thing, but you are still terrified. That's a little of how I feel right now.
So pray, please. For Cullen's weaning process. For my hormonal crazy motherly moods. For Peace, not Panic.
5 comments:
Oh, how I will be praying for you! I can understand some of your "regret", though that doesn't seem to be the right word, over weaning Cullen. I don't know your future plans, or God's plans for you. But I knew with Rebecca, that God may choose not to bless us with another child, so each and every milestone is bittersweet, because I know it is probably the first and last. I weaned her at 14 months, to try and get pregnant again, and cried for weeks. (To the complete bewilderment of family and friends). It's the end of "the baby stage" and the beginning of "growing up" in a way. I will be thinking of you and praying for you and I know God will bless your endeavor! Much love, SR
I will be praying. It is so hard.
I never knew that milestone would be so hard, even now sometimes after having weaned any babies for 7 months.
How did the meeting go last night about your trip?
Oh, Betsy, I love you. That is the most perfect analogy, and it made me cry. With me being on the other side of weaning, I will tell you there are benefits (like being able to travel or celebrate an anniversary overnight), but yes, it is difficult and so sad, too.
I will pray that Cullen makes it easier for you in the way that Liam made it easier for me: nursing was so boring to him, and he was so wiggly and kept turning to see what his brothers were up to...trying to keep him nursing was almost frustrating, and there was no way we could nurse discreetly in public because he was so squirmy.
I believe that God has put this trip on your heart, and He wants you to be able to go and focus on what is happening there while you are completely free from any other distraction. When you return from your trip, you will know precisely the reason that things worked out the way they did, and that will make it a little easier. In the meantime, I will pray that God will guard your heart with peace. Hugs to you.
We love you Betsy!
Post a Comment