Learning to Trust

So I leave for Africa in about 12 hours. Everyone has been asking me if I'm excited (yes) nervous (of course) etc. The truth is, I am not afraid to go. I don't particularly love flying and there are a lot of unknowns, but I can handle all of it except for one thing: the separation from my children. Last year my trip was cancelled because Cullen was in the hospital. He was discharged the same day that my plane left Atlanta. The whole thing shook me up a little bit. But I rescheduled my trip and over all I have felt much better about things this time around. When Cullen broke his arm I counted it as an unfortunate coincidence (even though the accident caused me to miss a night of prayer with the mission committee on our teams behalf) I continued with my plans, confident that he was healing well and that there was no reason that I needed to make any changes. But this week I have been bombarded with discouragements. Cullen ran a fever all day on Monday. As I sat in his room and rocked him before his nap I talked to God.
" I really, really don't need this Lord! I mean I know that I am blessed with healthy children. I know that there are mothers whose children are terminally ill, chronically sick, or permanently disabled. I am grateful, but still, I just don't need a sick baby 3 days before I leave. Please Lord keep my other children healthy, please keep Chad and I healthy. "
My mind was running wild with the potential ramifications of what on a normal week would be "just a fever". But this week it meant the possibility of my mom, or Chad's parents getting sick. It meant the possibility of me carrying an illness to my other teammates or even my little nephews. It meant the possibility of me being more susceptible to foreign disease because of a lowered immune system. It meant more work for Chad, my Mom, his parents. Worst of all it meant that I would not be the one there to care for my children, and that is my primary role in life.
Well, it gets better. The next day, Owen woke up complaining of a sore throat. I took him in- Strep- already. We had lots of fun with this one last year. I wasn't expecting it to show up in Sept. We got him settled into bed last night. I did my best to follow my BIL advice and get to bed early only to be awakened by Chad an hour later. Dawson was throwing up. I know that everything seems worse at night but I just about went to pieces. How was this possible? How could I leave this mess for other family to handle? How could I leave my children like this?
So much was going through my head. Maybe God didn't approve of me leaving my children. Maybe he was allowing Satan to test my faith. Maybe like Job Satan was saying- "Yeah, but you haven't let me really hit her where it hurts!" I truly felt defeated, exhausted, confused. Chad prayed with me, encouraged me, assured me that this was nothing that he couldn't handle. Then I got out my bible and searched for a message from God from the story that I was (in a very small way) identifying with. Here is the verse that I found:
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."
Job to God in Chapter 42

And it occured to me that I can't do it all. But God can. I can't be here to care for my children and be in West Africa to encourage my family. But God can. This morning my friend Shea, who is making this trip with me and experiencing her own battles as she goes, called to read me this verse from Psalms 91.

9 If you make the Lord your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,
10 no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your home.
11 For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
12 They will hold you up with their hands
so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
13 You will trample upon lions and cobras;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

14 The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.

I do trust him. So I will go.