I spent a good part of today trying to get in touch with my case worker so that I could help my social worker with the revisions for our homestudy. Unfortunately, when she finally had a chance to get back to me, I had just picked the big boys up from school. They usually talk my ear off, fighting for my attention all the way home. But when I saw who it was I shouted out a quick order to be very quiet b/c this was a very important phone call. And to my surprise, they obeyed. Not a word during our 15 minute phone call. What I didn't realize was that they were soaking up every bit of it.
And so my 8 yr. old says to me... " So what do you mean 'no special needs' ? " The 6 yr. old pipes up demanding to know what this term means and his brother quickly explains it with amazing accuracy. And then there I am, explaining to my 3 young children why I just told the lady on the phone that we do not want to be considered for a child with special needs of any kind. And it felt kind of awful. Like I was making excuses for myself, like my actions needed justifying. I explained how their friend who has a prosthetic leg was adopted by a mommy and daddy who are both nurses, but Daddy and I don't have any medical background. But even as I said it the words sounded weak coming out of my mouth. Because I know that this family didn't set out to adopt special needs either. They fell in love with a little boy and refused to turn their back on him when suddenly he wasn't "perfect".
And I watch their little faces mulling it over and I try to fumble out explanations about how "of course, every child is special to God and he loves us all the same, etc , etc " but I am just digging my hole deeper b/c my actions aren't really showing them that I believe that to be true.
The logical side of me knows that we are making good choices for our family. I know that we have asked God over and over again to lead us OUR child and that we are responding to the desires that he has placed on our hearts. But today I realized again just how very, very small I am compared to the Almighty God. How impossibly imperfect. I am a special needs case. Hard to love, hard to teach, requiring lots of time, lots of patience. I will be dependent on Him forever. And yet he chose to adopt me anyway. I hope my sons will be able to look past my humanness and learn to love from their FATHER.
"But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons"
Galatians 4:4-6
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2 comments:
I felt guilty and weird about that very thing, too, with both adoptions. After all, families with bio children don't get to make that choice, etc. But in the end, my girls are MY girls, so I know that the right 2 children came to our family.
Betsy, I LOVED this insightful, thought-provoking article. Children teach us so much more about God's love then we could ever imagine. Thank you for reminding me that I am a 'special needs' child of God and he loves me with all my imperfections. BTW, so sweet to point out the vest! Love you all and can't wait for 'our' princess!
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